Hate is love. Love is hate.

I love to sleep. I hate that I have to sleep.

I love to eat. I hate that I have to eat.

I love to love. I hate that love is far away.

Little girls break my heart

I recently went to an Iaido seminar in New Plymouth. Sometime before dinner time I asked my Sensei if he could only have one child, would he rather have a boy or a girl. Now the trick to this question for him was that he has had trouble having children and took him and his wife a while before they had twins! One boy and one girl even. He said that with all the trouble they went through and having both come at the same time, he couldn't possibly answer. 

I retorted that if someone had asked me that same question 3 years earlier, I would have said definitely a boy. Now I would say definitely a girl. 

I think I have wanted a girl for about a year. My reasons are that boys are fun and great, but when they grow up you can't really act the same way with them. Girls, even though their physical appearances change a lot, their demeanor to you doesn't change too much. I would love to have a daddy's girl.

Working at some childcare centres has really confirmed this for me. A little girl called Nikki attached to me the first time she laid eyes on me. I'm not sure why she did but all my paternal instincts just come out when she holds my hand, asks me for a cuddle or just talks in that baby voice. She literally breaks my heart, but so do a lot of baby girls.

It breaks my heart that I don't have a baby girl now.

It breaks my heart because I will have to wait to have one (I need to have a stable income and way of life, otherwise it won't be fair on her)

It breaks my heart because I have a 50% fail rate of getting a girl (could be more, the male gene is strong in my family)

It breaks my heart because the pinhole in my heart cannot hold off the poring love.